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Is This A Good Start For A Short Story(40-45 Pages)?

cdlbjobs — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 11:33:13 +0000

I’m 15. An upcoming sophmore. And an ameture writer. I need feedback. This story took a year to write and I’m finally done. I want to know what the world thinks of a possible career, (with much more practice, of course).
Ch.1 Stigmata Diaboli
The graveyards. Green grass. Trees and graves. Not this one. Visitors never left, deceived into fate. Only one tomb existed, in cold hearts and it was themselves. Like how the rocks never grew moss and the taste of autumn forever remained, the victims never regained hope; and their souls, stillborn, remain black as the night sky. To resurrect the pleasure of impious games as an addiction, you must resurrect the infamous Ouija board. Read from the carved Oakwood was “Hello, Goodbye, A through Z, Zero to Nine, Yes and no”. DON’T PLAY THIS ALONE
Disaster. A perfect acronym for Fossil. If you were a teenager in this run down countryside you might think of suicide to be the only way to tolerate it. If you were a teenager, you would hate the town and its old folk. If you were a teenager and went to school at Eden High, you would be so damn grateful.
Eden is huge for somebody native to Fossil. It’s a utopia for Alan, an iconoclast; a true city boy born in the country. When Alan was born, Eden was built. Lights, skyscrapers and shopping malls took the lunar stories above Fossil and hid them behind a lavender door. The adults despised its beauty, but time caught up with reality. It was time for a change.
Friday. Weekend. Freedom. One day at lunchtime Alan walked to the parking lot for some fast food with Cecilia, the prettiest girl to drift in his mind like a feather of a dove. Cecilia helped herself in Alan’s truck in movement, to him, was of moving painting. Alan had a crush on her.
Alan started his truck. His Chevy roared with power and Cecilia jumped, “Alan,” she whispered.
“What is it?” he answered.
“Are you going to the rink tonight?”
“No,”
“Why not?”
“Too many kids go there. Plus, all they play in there is crap-rap music,”
“Instead do you wanna come over, maybe watch a movie?” Cecilia was blushing.
“Yeah, sure,” Alan shrugged and pulled out of the parking space. A loud yawn.
“What’s wrong, are you tired?” Alan groaned as if his face was attached to a muffler. “Yeah,”
The skating rink was the fad when Alan and Cecilia were children. Now that high school happened, and Fossil is a bore, there isn’t much for two juniors to do.
“What were Jordan and Mark talking to you about earlier?” Cecilia asked. Alan chuckled. “What!?”
“Mr. Burkens is weird.”
“Well, I knew that,” she agreed with a giggle. “What did they say about him?”
Mr. Burkens was a strange teacher. He had a funny, yet quarreling voice. Every class period was an adventure in World Geography. He was a cartoon. Alan explained how he thought Mr. Burkens was a child predator, and how afraid he was to fall asleep in his class and wake up in a dark, cold, gothic dungeon strapped down naked. Cecilia burst into hysterical laughter.
Laughing along, Alan put a CD in the stereo. Chris Issak. Wicked Game softly filled the truck complemented with the grandiose sound of the diesel engine. Cecilia smiled. Unbeknownst to Alan, this is her favorite song by Issak.
“I don’t want to go back to school,” Alan mumbled.
“Why?”
“I’m way too tired,” he yawned again. “What do you want to eat, Cecilia?”
“It doesn’t matter, what do you want?”
“I’m not going to debate, dude.”
“Don’t call me dude, dude!” she kid.
Cecilia looked at the intersection. “Chinese?”
After ordering the food, Alan drove into Fossil through the dirt roads. Cecilia looked at Alan, fawning at his face.
“Let me drive!” the girl begged.
“Where are you taking me?” he asked as he pulled aside the road.
“I’ll drive you there,” she said as he opened his door to walk around to the passengers’ seat. She climbed to the drivers’ seat.
“Drive me where?”
“Somewhere to eat, silly” She giggled again. This laugh made Alan’s heart bleed.
“Aren’t you going back to school, dude?”
“Dude, no dude. I’m not dude.”
“Don’t make fun of me, dude,” Alan laughed.
Fossil. Miles gone by. Fossil? Distance stretched.
“Where are we, Cecilia?”
“Going to the park,”
“This isn’t the park. Are you lost?”
“Yes.”
Silence.
“So, aren’t you gonna tell me how to get out of here?”
“Well, babe I would but I’m lost too.”
“Alan! How could you?”
“This is what we’re going to do. We’re eating on the tailgate while I get directions from Nikii,” he said as he pulled out his phone.
“Wait, what’s that? To the left?” Cecilia pointed.
A bridge stretched from sunrise to sunset, east to west. Another Fossil vacancy.
While eating, the newfound Fossil land felt a sence of excitement. Alan choked on his mouthful of beef lo-mien and steamed rice, and every other minute he turned around to the bridge. Cecilia fidgeted as she grew nervous. Both, shaking. Thoughts, trembling. Life, overflowing with difference.
Ch.2 Love is the Funeral of Hearts
“Living life to the fullest. You can’t fool me,” Nikii thought. “Children are born and grow up to go to school. When I was little, my daddy told me to live life as far as I could take it… But school started. It threw me out of my heaven. It took me out of my life I wanted to live. Life isn’t meant to be like that. **** school. I will become an artist, a traveler, a photographer. Something worth something.”
Nikii was imperious. Beautiful, yet vicious. Talented, but sometimes stupid. She was a tease. Although Nikki was a drama queen, she wasn’t all too much of a problem. Unfortunately, she had her own problem. Boys. She had a new “victim” on her mind.
The truck scorched in strength. Alan drove with caution as the gas tank reads “E”. The road branched off to more branches and turned into a circle right back to the bridge, like there was no escape from it. The teens were left as sitting ducks. One thing Alan couldn’t comprehend is how he could possibly get lost in Fossil like this. Alan looked at his phone; Nikki returning his attempted phone calls. Finally, help.
Cecilia opened her phone with a grimace. “How can we just get lost out here? Alan, I’m very, very sorry!”
“No prob. Hold on a minute, ‘kay?” Click. “Hey, Nikii! I need your help!”
“Hey, Alan!” she emphasized. Where are you by? I’ll give you help.”
“Some really long bridge,”
“There aren’t any bridges in Fossil, silly. Are you sure you’re not in Eden?”
“Positive,”
Sighs. “Ask somebody else; I’m clueless, cutie,”
“Uh, Nikii. Don’t call me that,” he tried to politely imply.
“Well, ask a passing driver,”
“Nikii! I don’t think you understand. Nobody has driven past us since the two hours we’ve been here!”
“Well, don’t get pissy with me, Alan!” she exclaimed as she hung up on him.
“*****.”
“Any luck?”
“No, babe,” he stood up, “She’s really pissing me off.”
“Why? Because she has a huge crush on you?”
“No, because she sucks.” Cecilia agreed. “We’re camping tonight.” The girl lit with fire.
Reentering the Chevy, Alan put a Neil Diamond CD in. “Solitary Man”. Silently enjoying the chords, Alan and Cecilia both looked into their rearview mirrors focusing on nothing but the bridge. The reflection told temptation. Minutes of acoustics dominated her thoughts as she stared and counted while her heart pounds. The boy was hypnotized.
Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four…
Forty-seven, forty-eight, forty-nine, fifty…
Heavily breathing, she continues.
Sixty-one… Seventy-three… Ninety-five… One hundred.
Waking up, it hit them. Silence. Eyes meet. “Let’s go over there!” The boy shouted. Excitement. Adrenaline.
Something made life feel wonderful for those moments. “What can make a bridge so attractive?” Alan started losing his breath. He grabbed hands and led the way. Cecilia started to run. Eager, more every footstep. Uncontrollable joy overwhelming with love. Hope. Faith. Unity. Soft hands. Sparkling eyes. Life.
Glory. The thrill. Intense. Almost addictive. A concrete gave from under. An old sewer? “Have I gone crazy?” Alan muttered still joining hands. “Should… we go in?”
“We have all night, Alan.” Cecelia smiled. “We shall take a dark walk.” She squeezed his hand tightly.
The tunnel led to darkness. Pitch black glory. Stretching from arm to arm as it were made a hallway. A pathway for a couple, like walking down the isle for a wedding. It was a pleasure to be with; who you knew was your perfect lover.
Slowly walking on cold concrete, smooth as if it were untouched, the room grew smaller. There was a small end. An aroma filled the cave which reminded Cecilia of the smell of a bouquet of fresh roses and water. Heavenly.
Cecilia gasped. A dark light blinded their entrance. The view was perfect, limited, enough and incredible. A full moon welcomed the newcomers. The healthy grass was damp and fresh. Random stones inhabited the open field surrounded by a garden of mountains. The air, tasteful like water. It was cool outside; a slight breeze accompanied the disrupted silence. Awestruck, they were left.
Cecilia kicked her flip-flops off and walked in the grass. “This feels wonderful!” She articulated her positivity. Barefooted she slowly walked and pondered. Out of her bag, she captured pictures with her digital camera and posed Alan for a picture. Alan blushed as Cecilia came close and fed him a small kiss.
“You are a great boy. I’ve felt this way for a long time.”
“And I feel the same,” Alan kissed her and picked her up in his arms. Laughs. Giggles.
“Alan! Put me down!” she teased.
He looked over at a glance of a huge oak tree. A circle of people were joining hangs. With that sight, the adrenaline came back once again.

What Jobs Are Out There Without A Degree For Good Home Time?

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cdlbjobs — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 11:31:00 +0000

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cdlbjobs — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 17:31:01 +0000

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